Gay Wilder's - A Broken Heart

Fractured Lives

2009-11-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

Divorce has a basic effect on people's lives. It fractures almost anything they held jointly. These fissures extend from family, finance, friends and sometimes even to employment.

When yesterday's comfortable places are suddenly cold and unfriendly the effect is startling. You knew the divorce would have consequences but never really thought how far that event would ripple.

This period is an awakening of recognizing yesterday and today. What was a comfort zone in the past no longer can be counted on to provide the support desired. Today you find the need to make new places of comfort. Some may be the same as yesterday but not all will make the transfer to the new you.

It will tempting to shy away from places, people, events that were held jointly as they may not be your future. Give them all a chance but if it does not work move to something, some person, some event that is for tomorrow.

We learn from events of yesterday to make a better tomorrow. Use the lessons learned to not walk the same steps or follow patterns as before.

If you think about the opportunity ahead it is exciting. You can begin fresh, you can plan how you want to live, where you want to live and with someone or alone. Keep this positive attitude to inspire you to take positive steps for success in your new life. When haunted by old memories force them aside to make space for your new world. It awaits you just ahead.

Always,
Gay

Boredom, Tired, Weary, You Bore Me to Death

2009-09-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

If your partner ever refers to you as boring it is a sign that things are not well in your partnership. No one wants to think they are boring, no one wants to think their loved one is boring. Unfortunately it happens.

Avoiding this situation is normally not difficult as partners respect, care for and love their counterparts. It is those time when one partner becomes so preoccupied with work, play or charitable endeavors that they might not pay enough attention, often enough or carefully enough to their partner.

From the side of the ignored partner it takes a long time for them to sink to the realization that their partner is a bore. Generally that comes after many bumps along this down hill slide. At some point they realize that to avoid being considered a bore themselves, since they are being ignored by their partner, a "boring" tag is placed on the other partner.

The solution is simple and heard often. Keep the partner active in your life in most aspects. It is not hard but it does take conscious effort to keep them centered as the main focus of your life and sharing that importance with them.

Always,

Gay

The Dreadful Emotion

2009-08-15T20:42:00.001-07:00

If you ever feel the pain, rage and loss associated with being jealous of your partner you have encountered the least productive emotion a relationship can endure. The difficult part of jealousy is it works against our most sensitive areas of self worth, self esteem and self confidence.

Insecurity serves as the basic driver of jealousy. If a relationship base is a healthy state where both partners enjoy the respect and support of the other jealousy does not appear. Once isolation, selfish actions, demeaning comments or other non caring acts begin the spawning ground for jealousy develops. Once jealousy is allowed to exist it's removal is most difficult.

You cannot treat jealousy but you can treat the insecurity that caused it to exist in the first place. Make sure your partner is always involved in your life, is a part of decisions and not isolated as to feel unimportant. If you find a partner does not trust you remember when that feeling did not exist. What has happened in the recent past to promote that lack of trust.

Sometimes nothing has occurred prompting the lack of trust but if some action, some lifestyle change, or some work change is remember attempt to go back to that prior place and time to rebuilt the trust. Jealousy drives a wedge between two partners quickly and deeply with more damaging results than any other emotion. Even money, the bane of all relationships, falls aside as the most damaging for a long term partnership. The best advice is to keep each partner involved in the union with good communication, never secretive, always open so each party actively supports the relationship.

As always,

Gay

I Don't Love You Anymore - Update

2009-07-30T12:56:00.001-07:00

If you followed the story of Roy and Samantha it becomes clear that both partners want to find a way to restore their prior relationship. Their lives are much like many who are caught up chasing the dream of success.

It is often difficult to keep focus on family matters when that part of your life is less than 1/2 the time you spend working. If you remove sleep time Roy and Sam get about 4-5 hours a day as a family if Roy gets home on time. Compare that with a minimum of 8 hours to expected 9-10 hours a day at work. With his current work schedule it is probably 3-4 hours as a family. That is Sam's concern, that is Roy ignorance.

Two partners who agree on a shortfall in their relationship have the tools to solve the problem if they want. Two partners who do not agree or if one partner places a lower value on something than the other partner it will be difficult to fix.

Roy and Sam found a missing key to keep their marriage alive and together. Roy is committed to the plan, Sam is waiting to see reality compared to words.

As Always,

Gay

Today's Events - I Don't Love You Anymore

2009-07-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

For a while we are going to follow Roy and Samantha as they face a major problem in their marriage. Roy started his business two years ago and of necessity made the success of his business his top priority often arriving home 2 or more hours after dinner, sometime after the children are in bed. Sam used her real estate degree to enter commercial real estate successfully yet managing to keep her priorities centered around the family.

The first article in this series is titled, "I Don't Love You Anymore, A Statement of Intent, A Declaration of Desire." Establishes the first issue facing these two professional people as Sam brings her frustrations and anger to Roy.

We will follow along as the next article is published, "I Don't Love You Anymore, A New Chapter, The Next Step."

Let's see where Roy and Samantha take the problems and how they look for solutions.

Other topics may enter comments along the way but we will return periodically to how the couple is doing in their efforts.

As Always,

Gay

Today's Events

2009-07-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Dealing with the aftermath of a divorce can be a long, laborious process. Basically any fallout of the process for family, friends, or you can easily get out of hand. Some recent articles attempt to provide examples of where you will find the aftermath remaining.

Keep in mind always that you have to come first in the recovery. This is not normally the type of response we think of as selfless but in this case it is just that. Many people rely on you, possibly your direction and as a role model. While you think that cannot be true be assured it is. What they need to see, what you need to feel is that you are in control of your life regardless of the problems being encountered.

You will have to wander through the adjustment period of friends trying to see if they can still be your friend. Lots of items to work through on this. Keep in mind that friends that count will be there, convenient friends will leave. Know the difference and let those friends go.

Also realize that down this dark road a light awaits, it may be a casual date, it may be a blind date set by a real friend. At some point you will want this and will find the effect absolutely wonderful in about every way. Keep in mind you must keep your emotions in control to avoid any hurt as this period develops. Let it be natural, not rushed, not intense initially.

At the most unexpected time, in the most unexpected place and for the most unexpected reason you will encounter your Ex. Judge the feelings carefully when that occurs, do not shy away from them but explore what you take away from that chance meeting. It will help you with decisions on the road ahead.

As Always,

Gay

Today's Events

2009-06-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

Divorce seems to once again be a topic of interest. For that reason two new articles have been published on Ezine dealing with divorce. One is, "How Do I Stop Divorce When My Spouse Says- I Don't Love You Anymore, We Need to Separate" and also, "4 Ways to Live Through a Crisis When These Words Are Spoken,I Want a Divorce."

Both address the reality of divorce as to cause and how to view your future but as importantly, what to do for yourself today. If divorce has ever visited your doorstep you will understand the attempt to bring rationalism to an irrational event. Just remember you did not initiate the divorce, maybe you did but that is another discussion, which makes it hard for you to understand why your mate wants a divorce.

This is a drastic measure driven by some event, feeling, or goal in which you are not a party. Trying to meet your spouse in a common place is probably not going to happen since you are in the hurt place, they are in the "finally did it" place.

Though they feel some relief at telling you what they want there is some degree of guilt carried inside by your soon to be Ex. Time will be your ally to move forward with resolution of the request to divorce and the ability to talk to your spouse without hostility, anger and disgust. The big looming question you will have to address at some point concerns if you want to attempt to save the marriage. A lot of marriages can be saved if that is a goal, it depends on the cause, the fallout and future trust.

Always take care of yourself first as that allows other items to be address and handled.

As Always,

Gay

Today's Events

2009-06-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever listened to a song and have a friend exclaim, "that's our song." Then when you are asked, "what's yours?" you say you don't have a song.

The truth is you do have a song. It might not have music and lyrics to be heard but it is written and played every day. Think about all the special events, acts or sharing between the two of you and the song starts to take shape. What you have could be a romantic ballad, a hot rock song, a cool jazz selection or maybe a homey country tune. It all depends on the couple in the relationship and how they live.

Remember the things that happened this year that made you laugh, your partner laugh. Remember those moments that brought a tear to your eye not necessarily from sadness but happiness as well. Each moment that stirs your emotions when think about you and your partner's life together contributes to your song.

If things ever get a bit stressed with your partner remember to play your song together. You will be surprised how just doing the things that make up your song will rekindle what made you great in the past and will in the future.

A good relationship is built on many factors. If time is taken to capture those it is quite easy to find them again if it is necessary. Always remember your song and what it means to your life. Play it often.

Alway the best,

Gay

Today's Events

2009-06-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

A question that comes up frequently is what to do about a spouse after they admit having an affair with a co worker. Unfortunately that type situation is all too common. How each person handles this grief, hurt, loss and despair changes with each individual.

It all comes down to you and what you want to do, how much they want to work out the problem, how much is at stake with children, and how much the loss of trust weighs on your heart. There is really, "no size fits all" in addressing these concerns.

On the Internet, in stores, radio and TV you can numbers of experts willing to provide the solution to your problem. It has been my experience that most of the sources can provide guidelines, some how to plans but cannot reach into your mind. The application, the solution must be within the individual dealing with the problem.
I can recommend a book that is one of the best and probably will help with some general, some specific concerns but you must determine if you need a personal counselor for just you, or you and your spouse. Do you both want it to work? Do you feel trust can return? Answer not just in the heart but in your mind. It takes both commitments to work.

Take some time to think this through, consider what you want, the steps you are willing to follow, read some guides to finally decide if obtaining a marriage counselor is the appropriate step for your marriage. This recovery will not be easy but not impossible either. It all depends on you and your spouse.

Always the best,
Gay